Thursday, July 19, 2012

Spontaneous Cry-Bustion

     Today, I burst into big bubbly tears.  They hit the beige-tan carpet with a dull-ish little thump and were accompanied by sobs that scared my dog off of her pillow and down the stairs.  I'm not much of a crier usually but I couldn't stop myself.  I was pacing - calculating travel fees and airplane itineraries; what you can and can't fit into a TS-approved 8oz. container; the shape of my luggage; the size of my wardrobe; contemplating the smell of my childhood home.  All of a sudden, revelation.  August 14 is three weeks away.  I'll be packing up my sad college life, taking the necessary in suitcases, being poked, prodded, and x-rayed to the extent of frustration, and then up in the air, alit on nothing but time and space.  Meaning: I'm headed for the unknown.

    A year ago this concept was less of a concept and more of a sketchy graph I drew in the back of a notebook one day and forgot about.  At some base level, I was aware that I wanted to travel abroad at some point in my life, but the world was just too big and time to fleeting to make actual travel plans.  Emotionally, I was in a rut.  Mentally, I felt trapped.  And then when these two aspects of stagnancy pushed me too hard from both sides - from one it was a deadbeat boyfriend and from the other it was a deadbeat job - some forgotten crawlspace door creaked ajar deep with in my mental recesses that would eventually lead me to... well, sobbing tears of joy onto my toy Yorkie while pacing the living-room floor.

    In three weeks I'm leaving for Vienna.  Vienna AUSTRIA, as I've gotten used to saying it; keeping my smile turned down and my cool turned up so you wouldn't know that I was just about to pee myself with, well, not excitement exactly but not nervousness either.  More of an anticipation, although honestly just saying the place in that way made the word seem inwardly vacant - like a hanging plume of warm air on a cold winter night.  Really, I know I'm going to Vienna.  I've known it since I decided that I knew it.  But what I actually know about the place itself was (and still is) debatable.  It's a shape that I know is there, but what it actually intails is so vaporous that even squinting at it makes it dissappear.

    Realizing this, I cried.  Soon, SO SOON, I'm getting on a big Boeing plane full of people I'll never get to know to arrive in a country where I don't speak the language.  A place where I have no friends, no family, no boyfriend; not even a spinster cat to keep me company.  The prospect is scary.  

    But, the alternative is terrifying.

     I've made the choice to study abroad on my own.  I worked hard to fill out redundant paperwork full of organizing termsMy plane ticket is set-in-stone.  I have some great pairs of shoes and a deadly dose of curiosity to get me through this.  I haven't left yet, but I'm already preparing for the best fucking time of my life.  And it's so god damn exciting, I just have to cry.

To your safe travels,